My husband used to cheat on me and now he wants a threesome | Life and style


At the beginning of our relationship my husband was not faithful. He had secret affairs and flirtations that I was suspicious about, but if I brought it up, I was called crazy and accused of sabotaging our relationship. It wasn’t until our first child was born, after four years of marriage, that he felt extreme guilt and remained faithful. Shortly after baby number two was born three years later, he told me that he was polyamorous and has a crush at work. There are times when he emotionally pulls away and this is when I think he desires more than just me. When I told him I was ready to break up, he claimed he would do anything not to lose me. We started dating again but, after two weeks, he asked me to consider having a threesome. I feel I have reached a point where I am ready to settle down and that is why I married him. But it appears to me that he does not feel the same way. I cannot understand why – if he loves me like he says he doesI am not enough?

Some people find monogamy impossible. They are just wired that way. In fact, monogamy is difficult for most people. I understand that trust is very important to you, yet right from the beginning you knew your husband was rarely just with you. You have stayed with him and had children, and there is clearly deep love between you so I am wondering why have you now reached a point where his non-monogamous lifestyle is insufferable? In reality, he is not going to change. Your choices are to separate, or stay with him and make the most of what is good between you – despite the torture. You would do well to consider what it is about you that binds you to this constant state of disappointment and longing. After you understand that, you may make the healthier choice.

  • If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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